I Love You Because You Are

The Firefly

Recently, my youngest son (9) was outside catching fireflies. He caught one gently in his hand and noticed that this particular insect friend had an injured wing and couldn’t fly. I suggested he place his friend gently on a leaf where the little critter could have a meal and be hidden from predators.

A few minutes later, when my son came inside for his shower, he was crying, upset to have left his friend behind.

“The firefly trusted me….he’s the only one who has ever really seen me, who sees me for who I am.”

I was still. My body, my mind were still. My heart reached out in love and I pulled my son into my arms. We talked about what it meant to “be seen” and how his experience with the firefly was different from his experiences with family and friends. I understood–maybe not entirely, but on some level, I got him.

That insect didn’t see my son as someone to compete with, to play with, to get something out of or from, or even to feel loved or valued by. That bug just saw Brandon as another soul worthy of love. And this unconditional acceptance was all my son really ever wanted–to be seen and loved because he “was,” exactly as he was.

Loving from Being

What do you love about them?

Though conceptually this kind of love is not new to me, embodying it has been. I suppose it has been a theme in the past few months of my life.

A couple months ago, a friend and I were sharing about our families. After sharing about mine, I asked him what he loved about his. His reply was along the lines of “I don’t know…I just love them.” Then he told me how he showed that love to them concretely, in ways that undeniably backed the genuine care he had for them.

At first, I didn’t understand…how could he not know what he loved about someone? I can think of a whole list of things I love about everyone in my life. I love my youngest son’s open heart and big hugs, my eldest’s humor and the intellectual debates we have, my mom’s creativity and thoughtfulness, my dad’s wise advise and the soulful conversations we share, my grandmother’s giving nature…

Conviction

As I wrestled with the differences in how we answered this question, I thought: what would happen if the qualities of the people in my life changed? What if, tomorrow, my oldest son had a brain injury that wiped out his humor and intellect? Would I still love him?

That answer was plain and clear–of course I would. My love for him had nothing to do with those qualities about him. And, as I realized that, it struck me that the way I spoke to and about the people in my life needed to change.

It is crucial that we communicate to all those in our lives, but especially to our children, that our love for them is completely independent of anything they do or say, completely apart from any definable trait or quality. There is nothing they can do or not do to change our love for them. This is the love that God has for us and the love that we are called to have for each other.

I love you because you are

I suppose the reasons I have traditionally given for “loving” people are really reasons for why I enjoy their company–and that isn’t love, at least not on the deepest level, the level of being. Why do I love them? What do I love about them? I love them because they are, because the “I AM” within me sees the “I AM” within them, and rejoices.

The Core of Who We Are

It’s funny how when God aims to teach a lesson, the Holy Spirit keeps hammering it home. The second iteration of this lesson came in-between the above conversation and what I shall call “the firefly incident”. This time, my teacher was one of my spiritual mentors, Gail.

I met Gail a little more than a year ago in a class we were both taking. It took little time to figure out that this woman was different than anyone I had met before. She had a deep sense of peace and joy to her. Anytime I would talk with her or spend time with her, I felt elevated for a day or two after. My boys and I spent a week with her this spring and I humorously noted that in those six days, they were not once cranky within 100 meters of her. They could be fighting like cats and dogs walking up to her house and then, as they stepped through the threshold, suddenly be best friends again. There’s just something about Gail…she “gets” people, and “gets” what is real, in a way that is felt on an unconscious level.

A few weeks ago, Gail was visiting a friend who, for the day, was caring for a woman with severe dementia. The friend needed to run an errand for an hour or so, so Gail sat and talked with the woman for that time. Gail described her talk with this woman as one of the “holiest conversations” she has ever had.

I’m Still Here!

As many know from firsthand experience, severe dementia strips away many of the qualities we “love” about a person. Yet, the essence of the person never leaves, though we may fail to realize this. The woman shared this reality with Gail, “My family, they don’t see it…I’m still here!” The essential nature, the soul, of this older woman was fully intact, but was frequently overlooked by her well-meaning caregivers.

As the two shared time together, Gail naturally dropped the persona of “Gail” as it was a true and pure reflection of/back to her new friend. For that hour, they were two souls, sitting at a table, enjoying each other’s company, with no strings attached.

“You know what, I love you,” the woman with dementia shared with Gail.

Gail laughed, knowing just what she meant. “I love you too.”

Juneteenth

On June 18th (the day before Juneteenth), I was out for a run and drafting this post in my mind (there’s a considerable lag between idea formation and publication…). When I reflect on this kind of thing, I can’t help but smile widely. I guess most runners don’t smile quite that much…after all, running can be a painful venture. Admittedly, I wasn’t breaking any land speed records (I’ll leave that to my neighbors). But all the extra energy from my reflections was pouring out of me…I felt like I could power a small town with the love pouring out of my heart.

I was about a half mile from home when a young (early 20’s?) black man walked past me. He must have picked up on a bit of that energy, because, as I jogged past, our eyes met for less than a second, and his face lit up. (For those of you who are thinking that look meant something else, I know what “that look” is, and this was different. Also, I’m probably 20 years older than him and have far too much gray hair to be of interest.) It was one second that felt like ten…for that instant we “saw” each other, and what was wordlessly exchanged was on the level of, “You get it too! Wow, that’s cool!”

Genuine soul to soul love breaks through/across barriers of age, gender, race, culture, orientation, etc. It is on the level of being, on the deepest level of who we are.

Letting Go: Love Without Fear

In typical human relationships, we want something from each other, anything ranging from the highest and best desires of genuine relationship, shared interests and long-term connection to the lowest and frankly, harmful desires of using each other to feel better about ourselves, to satisfy our craving for attention or pleasure, or as a dumping ground for our own insecurities. Though it’s easy to see that the base desires aren’t love, even the highest, though life-giving ones still have a bit of that “I love you because…” ring to them.

Even our highest desires fall short of the love of God because there is a touch of fear–a fear of loss of what we believe we “need” to fulfill us. 1 John 4:18 reminds us, “There is no fear in love.” So, if our highest desires fall short, what does agape love look like in action?

True Love (Back to the Firefly)

After our conversation, I suggested to my son, who was concerned for the firefly’s well-being, that he make a little house for the firefly from a small tissue box complete with some grass and a tiny water bowl. He carefully, thoughtfully crafted a home for his friend. Then, with a spring in his step, he waltzed back outside to find the injured bug and share his gift.

Five minutes later, he returned to me, the box in his hand, quiet tears running down his cheeks,

“I put him in the box, but he didn’t want to be there. He didn’t want to stay.”

I hugged my son again and we talked about how he had returned the love that firefly had given to him, the love that says “I love you because you are. And that means I give you the freedom to be fully yourself, even if it isn’t what I want. ”

He stepped back and smiled and went off to bed happy and, I think, proud of his decision. He understood. If he had forced the bug to stay in the little house, his love would have been tainted by the fear of loss. Because he was able to let go of his attachment and give the firefly its freedom, he returned the unconditional love he had been given that night. In the end, giving is receiving…he went to bed with his heart full.

Butterflies

I suppose agape love in action is like visiting a butterfly garden. As I walk the paths, I enjoy the beauty of God’s creation around me, in its myriad forms. Sometimes, if I stand still and quiet, one of the butterflies will land on my hand.

If I try to grasp the creature, to hold on to it, I will either frighten it away or, even worse, injure it. And so I simply enjoy the butterfly’s presence for as long as it chooses to stay, knowing that as one example of God’s creation takes its leave, another is always close by.

We are always surrounded by love, should we choose to see it. Each time we choose to love others from the level of being, the light of the God love within us grows brighter and stronger. We are free to not expect or demand anything from others, to try to change them. Instead, we just enjoy their presence without analysis, without judgment, without fear. That kind of love takes us to a whole new level.

God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them.

1 John 4:16

Each time we choose to love from being, apart from any rational reason, we move closer to who we are meant to become. When we love like that, the Holy Spirit lights up our hearts, and our hearts find their rest in the peace of God. We become more like who we were meant to be.

So, today, wherever life takes you, step back, let the thinking mind stop, and love from that level of being. See how it changes you, how it opens you. I don’t think you’ll regret it.