Sleeping to Escape Reality
There’s an REO Speedwagon song that used to serve as my alarm back in high school. In the ballad, a man desires to stay asleep so that he can dream that the woman he loves also loves him in return. Since his dreams were better than his waking life, he longed for sleep.
In addition to the hauntingly beautiful intro (a far gentler transition from dreamland to waking life than BEEP BEEP BEEP!), I related to the premise. From middle school through my early 30’s, my dreams were typically happier that “reality”. When I woke each morning, my first thought was, “Oh no, not this again.”
Not exactly the most positive thought to start the day with.
Living a Nightmare
At one point in my early 30’s (about eight years ago…you do the math and figure out my age…if you guess 53, please consider a remedial math class), my “reality” felt like a nightmare. Due to some personal choices, I was regularly scratching my head thinking, “How did I get here?” It was rare for me to have a dream that was worse than what I perceived my life to be. Instead, I had many dreams that left me longing to return to sleep, since, at least there, I felt loved and happy. I had hit my personal bottom and began reaching for anything to pull me out of my emotional pit.
Through spiritual practice and study, I learned that it wasn’t the outside world that was the problem but rather my perception of it. That is probably the most important line in this post, and bears repeating: What is OUT THERE isn’t what makes or breaks our emotional climate, it’s what is IN OUR HEADS AND HEARTS. For a large portion of my life, my perception was clouded with negativity and self-criticism. Thus, I projected that critical, negative view outwards onto the world. I was looking at the world through Stephen King’s proverbial glasses. And therefore, (unless you’re a fan of living in a horror story), the world couldn’t measure up to my dreams.
I saw myself as broken and in need of fixing. Thus, the world also seemed to be falling apart.
I condemned myself for the slightest misstep. Thus, I also condemned others and held them in constant judgment, sabotaging my relationships.
I didn’t believe I was deserving of goodness, happiness, and love. So, I didn’t give it out often either. My actions may have appeared loving on the surface, but my heart, because of how empty I felt within, was able to give very little. And that’s not the way to cultivate deep, lasting, quality relationships.
Moment of Truth: A Momentary Pause
Even if you are at a spiritual high point currently, I encourage you to pause and see where my story might apply to you. On some level, if you are human, you will resonate with my story on some level.
All of us keep God at a distance to one degree or another. Some of us push God out, our guilt and feelings of unworthiness leading us to hide ourselves away, like Adam and Eve in the garden. Others of us struggle with faith, our ability to feel God’s love blocked by our assumptions of what is true. Still others of us walk with God closely, but have some (albeit paper thin) wall of protection up that prevents God’s grace, love, and peace from fully embracing us and lifting us to our highest potential. If you didn’t, you wouldn’t be here or would be Christ Himself.
This is a worthwhile inquiry, as the level to which we allow God’s love to embrace us is the level to which we can extend it outwards to the world.
I encourage you to pause and to enter into stillness, if only for a moment, and ask God to show you where you may be resisting God’s embrace.
As Good As Dreams
Life is a wonderful training ground for opening ourselves to God. Because of all the pain that resulted from my poor perception of myself and the world, I forced myself to try meditation. I leaned into quiet and allowed stillness to hold me. Even with my Kingly (Stephen, not Christ) glasses on, as I sat in quiet and listened to the Holy Spirit, God began highlighting the errors in my perception, starting with those in my perception of myself.
Little by little, I felt the Holy Spirit speak love over me. I began to see myself through my Father’s eyes. And as I saw myself as worthy of love, it was easier to see the good in the world and to enter the day with gratitude.
Instead of, “Aww, crud, it’s morning,” I woke with the thought, “Thank you God for another day to love and serve you.” I began to notice bird song, sunrises, buds on trees, tiny flowers hidden in the grasses in the dead of winter. (There are flowers in winter in temperate zones! WHO KNEW???). All of these things had been there prior, and yet I was blind to them.
The elements of my life that I had deemed “nightmarish,” I soon realized were gifts that I had dressed up in dark, nasty costumes. The entire nightmare was IN MY MIND.
As the inner transformation continued, joy in the presence of God’s creation (nature and other people) filled me. Soon, love poured forth and my outer world began to shift.
My relationships became richer and deeper. The conversations I had with others took on a more positive tone. I was drawn to souls who shared my joy for life and desire to serve. Slowly I became surrounded by people who strengthened the joy within me.
With the shift in my inner landscape, first my perception of “the world”, and then the particulars of “my world” shifted as well.
Better Than My Dreams
Brandon Lake’s recent song, “Coat of Many Colors” contains the line, “Once I was a beggar, now I live in the King’s house.” No, I have not moved in with Stephen King. That would be weird. We’re talking about the other King now!
For twenty years, I was a borderline beggar in Christ’s kingdom, looking for crumbs of the peace, love, and joy that Jesus promised His followers. I had days when I felt connected, but, by and large, fear and self-condemnation were the prominent emotions in my consciousness. In my early to mid-thirties, I frequented in the courtyard of the King’s (Christ’s, not Stephen’s) palace. I knew that the palace existed, saw the royal family and attendants coming and going, but was convinced I didn’t belong within the palace walls.
Within the past few months, something shifted once more. Thanks to the grace of God and the love of a few amazing souls in my life, I began to see my true worth as a child of God. I could let my guard down entirely and be completely comfortable in my own skin. As I saw the richness of my own beauty, both outer and inner, the incredible majesty of God’s reality dawned upon my eyes.
I am truly living in the King’s house now.
The King’s House
As all the projections of fear and condemnation fell away from the world around me, I learned that nothing I could ever make-up or imagine can come anywhere near God’s reality. The mind projects it’s own insecurities and fears onto the landscape of our lives. These mental constructs ALWAYS fall short of the glory of God and paint tainted pictures of reality. Thus, we MUST release the hold of our thoughts and allow God’s truth to dawn in our minds in their place. When God’s truth dawns, something truly transcendent takes place.
God’s reality is AWESOME in the truest sense of the word. I see the face of God in my children’s eyes. I hear God’s voice in the songs of the birds and the laughter of good friends. Getting a shower feels luxurious as the variety of fragrances waft through the air. As I dry off and feel the soft towel against my skin, I feel as though I’m in heaven. It’s not that reality has changed (though fabric softener can work wonders). It is that, freed from the thoughts of my mind, I am finally present for it. I see the majesty in all the small details and revel more fully in it all.
Even when I am physically ill (as I am as I make the final edits to this post), my child is in crisis (as one was when I started this post), or a loved one is passing on, there is something in the deepest part of who I am that is dancing with the joy of the Lord. I know He holds all things in His arms and I can rest in that truth.
It Really is That Simple
The longer I am on this journey, the more clear what this life is about becomes. God wants us to be happy. Not the kind of happy that indulges in 3 half-gallons of ice cream, watches an 8 hour Harry Potter movie marathon, and then takes a drive in their Benz. Rather, the kind of happy that knows there is NOTHING anyone can do to separate you from the love of God. The kind of happiness that comes from knowing who you are, why you are here, and where you are going. The kind of happiness that comes from being your always-connected-to-God self.
God wants us to be HAPPY. To have joy, peace, and contentment. God WANTS us to be so filled with love that what we have within spills over to others.
Remember who you are, release your resistance to what is, and awaken to the joy, happiness, and peace that can only come from knowing the truth of who you are and the truth of your maker.
To do that, all you need to do is allow God to cleanse your mind of all the lies that have hid His reality from your spiritual sight.
No Sleep…
My most recent jump in my awareness of God’s love in my life happened about three to four months ago. Since then, I sleep a bit less (an hour or so a night) than I used to. I’m not sure if this is a temporary or permanent change and I’m not sure of the reasons why, nor do I need to know. Jokingly though, I wonder if I simply don’t have any desire to sleep more than I absolutely need to for physical health. Instead of craving sleep to escape from reality, I’d take my waking life over even the best dream any day.
But everything exposed by the light becomes visible—and everything that is illuminated becomes a light. This is why it is said: “Wake up, sleeper, rise from the dead, and Christ will shine on you.”
Ephesians 5:13-14
May we all walk in the glorious light of Christ!