Leaning into Grief: How to Heal from Losing a Loved One

Grief is different for everyone

Lightning–Something Roy Sullivan was a bit too familiar with.
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“Lightning doesn’t strike the same place twice.” Roy Sullivan, who survived being struck 7 times in his lifetime, would probably have disagreed with that statement. Our family, like Roy, is no stranger to repeat tragedies–I’m not the first in the family to grieve the loss of a spouse relatively early on in marriage.

In the days immediately following my husband’s passing, my father was sharing about his own experiences after losing my birthmother. As he reminisced, we both realized the stark contrast in our situations, details that made our grieving processes radically different. These differences included, among others, our own ages at the time of loss (mid 20’s vs. late 30’s) and the ages of the surviving children–elementary aged children are a walk in the park to care for compared to a newborn baby. Though my father and I are related genetically and share both a common faith and outlook on life, our grieving experiences were unique.

This is true of all who grieve. As those wiser than me have shared, your journey is your own–one-of-a-kind, just like you and your loved one. However, there are some spiritual truths that can ease the journey of grief for all believers: faith in what lies beyond this life, the realization that our loved ones are still with us, and trust in the plan of our loving Father. Though I hope this faith-based perspective on my own grief journey might be helpful to someone, in the end, we must all trust our own path and the leading of the God who cares for us.

Getting Someone Else’s Mail: The Compass (Faith in What Lies Beyond)

Faith is a compass, especially in the dark times of life.
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My husband Brett’s cell phone was an information black hole. Texts, voice mails, and notifications fell into an abyss so deep that Gandolf would pick the mines of Moria over that disaster 100 times out of 100. Perhaps this was a product of Brett’s job–the government didn’t allow employees to bring devices into the building and I suppose he grew to be detached from it. As a result, his voice mailbox frequently filled up and those trying to reach him would call or text me instead.

Brett’s parents/friends/etc.: Hey, I tried reaching Brett but…
Me: (Audible Sigh) Yeah, I know…one second…

Over the years, just as we received countless text and voice messages, both Brett and I also received dozens of communications from the spiritual world. Brett’s communications were full-on visions, while mine were and are, with a few exceptions, not as cool. They are closer to “knowings”: 6th sense type happenings and vivid dreams.

Someone asked recently if Brett was a medium. To be a medium, I believe the communication has to be two way. Unfortunately, as Brett explained it to me, his “outgoing call” feature worked about as well as the Atari console gathering dust in our basement.

I’m not sure what makes one individual more able to receive communication from the spiritual world than another, or to have a fully functional call system vs. only a receiving line. What I do know is that my incoming line was jammed up most of the time. Just as Brett’s voice mailbox was filled to the max, so too was my spiritual mailbox. In a sense, I got my revenge.

Brett: Hey, I got another message for you… (audible sigh)…why is it ALWAYS for you?

Brett would still receive messages that were for his heart only, but the number of times my deceased grandparents reached out to him to get to me was astounding.

I am grateful for these experiences. They serve as a spiritual compass for me, more now than ever. Because of these communications, I know without a doubt that there is more than this life, and that those who passed over before us aren’t absent from our lives.

Now that Brett is on the other end of the line, I’m stuck clearing out my spiritual inbox, hoping to open up the line of communication further. Yet, regardless of my success in the endeavor, my faith in what lies beyond this life is secure. The assurance of something beyond our time on this Earth provides a foundation from which to build a means of grieving in a lifegiving way.

Peek-a-Boo: Spirit Permanence (Our Loved Ones are Still with Us)

My youngest, 7 years ago when he still thought pee-a-boo was cool.

From this foundation of a faith in something beyond this life comes an awareness that our loved ones are still present with us. In fact, they are more present to us now than they were to us in their bodies. We simply just aren’t aware of this yet. We are still spiritual children.

My favorite aged kiddos are in the 18 mos to 3 1/2 year old range–small, mostly innocent, and so darn cute. I love them even more when I can send them home to their own parents when I’m done playing with them. However, though they aren’t in the “goldilocks zone” of childhood, I also can’t resist a good game of peek-a-boo with a baby.

Babies love peek-a-boo. In their minds, everytime you cover your eyes with your hands, your face has disappeared. When you uncover it, it’s exciting and surprising that you’re still there! This is all due to a baby’s lack of understanding of object permanence.

Most of us have mastered object permanence. If you haven’t, well then, do I have a game for you! All joking aside, most of us still do struggle with the more advanced understanding of spirit permanence. We often feel that when our loved ones leave their bodies, they are absent from our lives. When they show up, as my grandparents have over the years and as Brett does now, it delights and surprises us.

When our spiritual receivers are tuned and our mental inboxes aren’t filled to the brim, we can enjoy this game of spiritual peek-a-boo. Those little moments when our loved ones show up in a song on the radio, a rainbow, a dream, or a gut feeling delight us.

Going on a Work Trip: The Gift of Trust

Those who have passed on are still with us, though we may not be able to see their smile or hear their voice.
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For those of us with spirit permanence issues (myself included), or those with subpar receivers, the immense feeling of loss still remains. Even a rock-hard belief in heaven can’t erase the lingering emptiness. How do we cope with this?

I’d start with a reflection on the simple question: Who is your God?

I believe in a God who loves me unconditionally, who works all things for my good and the good of all of his children.

What if, instead of your loved one passing over to heaven, someone you trusted beyond the shadow of a doubt, who you knew had your best interest in mind, sent him or her on travel for a year or two? In my case, I would certainly miss my husband’s presence, but instead of spending my time mourning his absence, I would lean into the experience to learn as much as I could from the time apart.

I trust that God sent Brett on “travel” to heaven for our good.

“’For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.”
Jeremiah 29:11

Though I didn’t agree with the decision at first, I know that Brett is happy being back home. I have seen the fingerprints of our heavenly Father all over my life and the lives of our children. From directly before his passing though the weeks following, God’s leading has been clear.

Spirit permanence is real. However, even when you have Brett’s level of reception (when spiritual peek-a-boo loses it’s appeal), we still miss seeing our loved ones face to face. Though he or she is with you in a way that is more real than ever before, you still yearn to see them with your eyes. It is at these moments that we most need to trust God’s plan. When grief strikes, I remember a piece of advice given to me as a young parent: the days are long but the years are short. Similarly, our lives, and our loved ones times of “travel” are a short “blip” in eternity. We will see them again.

“Of Course”–The Remedy for a Grieving Heart

In the end, it all comes down to faith. Today, I received a sympathy card from our neighbor. It explains the remedy for grief better than I can myself.

You may ask why God called your loved one home at this time in life.
We can only get beyond “why” by trusting that God’s perfect plan unfolds with divine precision. Our faith assures us that, when we see Jesus, there will be but two words that we will say concerning our question…
“Of Course”

I can’t pretend to know the full plan of God regarding my husband’s passing. However, I trust that there is a plan, and that it is a gift, not a curse. When I begin to feel the pain of loss, I feel it fully, and then I shift my attention back to God and smile, knowing that this loss is ultimately in the best interest of all involved. My husband is free of suffering and our children, myself, and all others who knew him are safe in God’s loving arms.