Mommy Monk: How to Parent with Wisdom and Love

Monk: A person who dedicates his life to serving others and/or to a life of prayer and contemplation

Mother: A person (usually a woman) who cares for children: nurturing, teaching, loving, and awakening goodness within them. Said person usually has little time for contemplation and is in great need of prayer.

Is it possible to live a life strongly based in contemplative prayer while serving as a parent of young children? As I sit here typing, 45 minutes after my kids should have been in bed, my youngest still awake and fuming about something in the next room, I am fully aware of the difficulties of finding time for God. However, I am also acutely aware of how essential a strong prayer life is to being a loving parent.

Contemplative prayer, that is, grounding ourselves in our relationship with God, is even more essential than bathroom breaks, food, and (gasp!) sleep. Jesus teaches us that prayer is the most essential element of life. Why should parenting be any different?

A Bunny with a Striped Rheumatism Crutch

When I was a little girl, I loved playing a board game starring a cute rabbit named Uncle Wiggly. I remember loving the game, but having no idea who the heck Uncle Wiggly was. Years later, when looking for bedtime stories for our boys, I stumbled across an Uncle Wiggly anthology and immediately purchased it.

Subsequently, the book sat on the bookshelf for several years, nearly untouched. The old timey stories just didn’t appeal to our boys.

A few weeks ago (boys now 7 and nearly 11), something happened. I pulled the book off the shelf and read them a story. They were hooked. They will now do practically anything to convince me to read them an Uncle Wiggly story before bed. I think there’s something comforting about the predictability of the story:

1. We meet Uncle Wiggly (The Bunny Gentleman) as he is walking out of his hollow stump bungalow.
2. Nurse Jane Fuzzy Wuzzy meets with Wiggly and tells him why he shouldn’t be going where he is going (some sort of danger–storm, bad dog, etc.) or asks him to pick something up for her at the store (3 or 4 cent store) while he’s out.
3. Uncle Wiggly’s dress is described. Many times the tall silk top hat and red, white, and blue striped rheumatism crutch (apparently rheumatism is something akin to arthritis–but not quite?) are mentioned, to much laughter from the boys.
4. Uncle Wiggly makes some animal or child happier.
5. Some ridiculous combination of sentences leaves a “cliffhanger” about the story to come the next night.

And if the jumping jack doesn’t cut a slice off the mud pie with the bread knife, and tell the rag doll it’s a piece of chocolate cake, I’ll tell you next about Uncle Wiggly’s Valentine.

“Uncle Wiggly and the Good Boy” by Howard R. Garis

Mom Life

Oh, and that’s when my youngest loses his mind. He MUST see the book right then and look at that next story. Not to read it, but to look to see if there are any pictures, what numbered story it is, and, inevitably, put off bedtime another minute or two. He will go to extreme measures to get his hands on the book,. sometimes incurring a number of consequences and ruining everyone’s night.

“We will read that story tomorrow night. It is time for bed now.” (fussing begins and grasping for the book. Mom tries to pry the book out of son’s hands.)

“Give me the book.” (Son overtired and now begins to scream. Mom panics and tries to turn getting the book back into a game–tickles son to get him to release the book. No luck.)

“If you don’t give me the book now, we won’t be able to read Uncle Wiggly tomorrow night.” (no change. Now son is kicking and thrashing)

(Voice more stern). “Okay. I guess we won’t be able to read Wiggles tomorrow. And if you keep this up, you won’t be able to have candy or any tech time tomorrow either.” (Full screaming ensues. Still won’t let go of the dang book).

(Mom yells son’s first middle and last name) “Give me that book right now or you will be eating canned peas and oatmeal the rest of your childhood!”

-80% accurate dialogue from one night I am not particularly proud of.

Martha vs. Mary

Why was I unable to reach my son that night?

In one of my favorite stories of the Bible, two sisters get into an argument over how best to serve Jesus. Correction: Martha criticizes Mary for her choice to sit at Jesus’ feet. I believe Mary may be oblivious to Martha’s ruffled feathers.

Both sisters are striving to serve Jesus best. Martha serves by running about cleaning and preparing food for Jesus and his disciples. Mary takes the monk approach, desiring to simply sit at the Lord’s feet and learn from him. Jesus commends Mary for her choice, saying that she picked “the one thing that matters” (Luke 10:42).

Martha Parenting

Parenting typically looks more like Martha’s idea of service. Like Martha, as parents we can feel like we are jumping from one task to another, and often putting out the fires that our jumping hither and thither create. Shuttling kids to and from practice, lessons, and school, helping with homework, cooking meals, keeping the house clean, and often providing an income keep us more than “busy”. For the first several years of my time as a mother, that was my experience. However, Jesus is clear that Martha has it wrong. And perhaps, as parents, we do as well.

Jesus is clear that the ONLY thing that matters is our relationship with Him. Sitting at Jesus’ feet, learning from him, and being changed by him is the most essential part of any day. Why? Because if our hearts are right with God, all else will follow. In fact, the majority of Jesus’ teaching revolves around how to develop that important relationship (give one of the Gospels a skim to check this). The rest of his teaching serves to point us away from the distractions and worries about the world and back to the supremacy of that relationship with God.

Out of the heart of a blossoming relationship with God comes great wisdom and a deep love for our fellow man. What child wouldn’t benefit from a parent “plugged into” divine wisdom and love?

Uncle Wiggly…One More Time

What difference does being connected to the divine bring to parenting?

When I am centered (meditating 3x a day–morning, lunchtime, and evening), I see my son’s literal grasping for what it is…an attempt to gain control over what little he can.

Life is hard for this little guy right now. He’s back at school full-time after being quarantined for about a year and a half, is participating in organized sports for the first time, and is dealing with other major changes in our family’s life on top of that. This 7-year-old leans toward the introverted side and, by bedtime, is maxed out and trying to grasp control over anything that he can. In fact, that’s probably why Uncle Wiggly appeals to both our boys so much right now…it is predictable and safe when life doesn’t quite feel that way.

The Spirit in this time of quiet opens my heart to understand my son’s struggle. Then, in the moment of crisis, the Spirit guides me:

“Did you want to take a quick look at the next story? I’ll give you a minute to do that while I give your brother a hug goodnight and then I’m going to trust you to put the book back on the shelf so that we can read it tomorrow night.”

Usually this goes pretty well, but sometimes even these Spirit-inspired “Monk” moves still fail on this guy. Then, tough love from a place of calm comes into play–again, Spirit-led rather than emotion-led.

“It’s time for bed, sweetheart. May I have the book to put back on the shelf?” (Son grabs book away and cries).

“Alright then. This is not acceptable. Tomorrow we are going to have an early bedtime because I can tell that you need the extra downtime and rest.” (Screams).

“Go on out to the living room and take the time you need to calm down before bed. I’ll be in the room next door. You know where to find me if you want to talk about anything.”

30 minutes of crying later, he has calmed down and inevitably popped in to talk about something from his day that he was bottling up inside. I’ve set up boundaries, enforced a logical consequence, and given him a safe, loving place to land. I am being the calm he is unable to find within himself, and gently leading him to find it (God’s peace) within himself.

Mommy (or Daddy) Monk: Shepherding

Our children are like sheep in need of a shepherd.

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.

He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.

Psalm 23: 1-2

Our children need us to not only bring them to green pastures and still waters, but to also be those green pastures and still waters.

Perhaps being a parent has its similarities to being a pastor, a title whose origin is the word “shepherd”. And just as our Christian pastors are best at serving their flock when they are rooted in their relationship with Christ, so too are we as parents. In fact, it is next to impossible for us to be that kind of parent without extensive time rooted in Christ.

Sitting at Jesus’ Feet

And so, we are called to wake before our kids daily to allow God to center our hearts and to receive the Spirit’s guidance. We grab a few more minutes before of after lunch (preferrably not when the baby has smashed muffin all over the high chair and managed to get crisco on the cat’s tail). And then, after the kids are in bed, we allow God to heal the battlewounds and give us the peace only he can provide..

Without the Spirit, when we don’t do the one thing, the only thing that matters, we are frightened men and women struggling to manage chaotic households. With the Spirit’s guidance and love, we are shepherds, still waters, and a green pasture for our families. In doing so, we lead them to the one true shepherd. And isn’t that all that matters, in the end?