An Agape Marriage: A Eulogy for My Husband

Four Types of Love

How do you quantify the value of a human life?  Is it the number of non-traditional breakfast foods a man consumes, the number of Orioles games or Law and Order episodes watched, or how many times his one-of-a-kind humor makes us laugh?  I can only speak to my own experience with this incredible man we are remembering today.  In the next few minutes, I hope to speak to who Brett was to me and to our family and what I learned from our years together.  Perhaps in some small way, God can speak to you and bless you through our story.

A verse that was close to Brett’s heart comes from first Peter:

“Above all, have fervent and unfailing love for one another, for love covers a multitude of sins–it overlooks unkindness and unselfishly seeks the best for others.”  

Since we are honoring Brett, how could I pass up on an opportunity to parse the Greek of this verse?  There are four words for “love” in Greek: eros or romantic love, phileo or the love between friends, storge or family love, and finally, agape, or unconditional love.  The word used by Peter is “agape”.  Agape love is hard to come by, perhaps in our human forms impossible to achieve.  However, it’s something that we both strove for, Brett especially.  And, despite our flaws, we were blessed to share a taste of that heavenly, eternal love, while still here in this life.  

Phileo and Eros (no, these are not hip names for your future children)

Agape love is rarely present at the start of a relationship.  Ours was no exception.  When we first met, almost fifteen years ago, we had an immediate connection and sense that we were meant to be together, though a hunch is a far cry from love.  Besides the unexplainable conviction that we were supposed to be married, we also had some key qualities in common.  We both had a fondness for giving people off-topic greeting cards (Halloween cards for bridal showers for instance). We enjoyed deep philosophical discussions (Brett once tried to convince me that eating beef counted as eating vegetables since cows are vegetarian–you’re just cutting out the middle man).  Finally, we both saw the value in a good laugh.  Not many married couples enjoy indoor squirt gun fights or throwing fruit and vegetables at each other.  I’m here to tell you, those little grape tomatoes hurt more than you would think.  Our common interests meant that phileo, friend love, came easy.  And, especially in those newlywed days, eros, romantic love, wasn’t hard to come by either.  

From Storge to Agape

Our relationship was more than superficial, however.  We also shared a deeper vision for life, a vision that led us easily to storge, family love.  We both believed in the sacredness of marriage, the importance of faith, simple living, and the centrality of service to others.  These values were the glue that held our marriage together through the tough times.  And that bond needed to be strong, because once we got past our surface similarities our personalities were quite different.  Brett was an introvert who looked to the past for wisdom and guidance.  He often saw the glass as half-empty. He was steady, methodical, and rooted, with a strong sense of justice and duty.  I, on the other hand, leaned towards being an extrovert, looked to the future, had a strongly optimistic outlook, and was a bit more of a risk-taker. 

This made life together, well, interesting.  It also laid the groundwork for agape, the love that says: You are different, and that is a beautiful thing.  In order for things to work in our marriage, like so many couples, we needed to give each other space to be our authentic selves.  For us, that meant that Brett gave me the space to be a relatively spineless disciplinarian, a dictator over all household appliances, and, inexplicably in the last two years, a flexible vegan.  I gave him the space to dominate the remote control, especially after taxing social situations or hard days at work. I also allowed him to triple check any and all matters related to finances or our children’s health.  

The Second Greatest Commandment

The reason why I believe God brought us together was even deeper than learning to accept each others’ uniqueness. It dives even deeper into the heart of unconditional love.  The second greatest commandment Jesus gave was to “Love your neighbor as yourself.”  Here again, the Greek word “agape” is used.  In this command, Jesus urges us to value ourselves and others simply because we are created in the image of God.  

Brett and I had opposite advantages when it came to carrying out this command.  I was excellent at the loving myself part.  I have always been fairly confident in who I am. I can easily laugh at myself and speak frankly about my strengths and struggles.  However, I have not always been good at accepting those who see things differently than me.  There’s only one acceptable way to load the dishwasher, for instance.  I also struggled with empathy.  When my grandfather passed, my first words to my grieving grandmother were, “Where should I put this casserole?”. 

Brett’s strength was empathy.  He easily noticed what others were going through and yearned to ease their pain.  This was apparent in so many of your own memories of him.  However, my strength of self-love was his struggle.  He couldn’t seem to accept his own value in the eyes of God.  This struggle prevented him from fully giving to others what he felt in his heart. He had many sleepless nights battling his figurative demons.  There were many days when there was no energy left in the tank when he arrived home.  However, even on those tough days, he made it clear that he cared for us.  

Getting our Bachelor’s Degrees

During our thirteen years of marriage, God called us to help each other in our areas of weakness.  God called me to teach Brett self-compassion, and Brett to teach me empathy.  Those of you who have been married for longer than a year or two know that when God calls you to be teachers to each other, the lessons aren’t always pleasant or easy.  But, if you know how to look at them, these lessons are also beautiful.  In a sense, Brett and I were each others’ healers. 

Over the years, just as sandpaper slowly wears away the rough edges of a piece of wood, our relationship wore away at our own imperfections.  Our marriage gradually taught me to agape others, including my husband–to love them regardless of their differences from me, and to walk beside others in their struggles.  Brett taught me most clearly by his example.  He sacrificed years in a job that had grown burdensome for him, just so Brooks and Brandon could have me home with them.  He also looked for little ways to give of his exhausted self to make life more beautiful for the rest of us.  He made sure to give me time for self-care and the boys time of silliness and laughter.  But my final lesson came in Brett’s last year, when he was ill and couldn’t give as much as he had in the past.  This gave me the opportunity to practice the empathy and compassion Brett had modeled for me over the years. 

At some point over this past summer, we both earned our bachelor’s degrees from the spiritual school that was our marriage.  I shed a good bit of my self-centeredness and Brett embraced and appreciated who he was.  There’s the obvious evidence of the change in Brett–getting a tattoo, publishing a book, and choosing to take the family to an introvert’s nightmare: NYC.  Yet, there was something deeper than that.  Brett had shed his shame and guilt and finally knew who he was–a beloved child of God.   It was a beautiful summer for all of us as we were both healed to love even more fully than ever before.

Love Never Dies

To our boys, and to me, Brett is a torchbearer.  He lit the way for how to be human in this broken world.  He served his country and our family well.  In his decision to leave the FBI to become a teacher, he modeled what it looked like to follow your heart, even when it goes against societal norms.  Brett taught how to think deeply about the world and how to stand up for what you believe in.  He taught the boys and me how thin the veil is between this world and the next and how to still our hearts to receive the guidance of the Holy Spirit and those who have crossed over before us.  

We are not our bodies.  Though we cannot see Brett’s smile, hear him tell a joke, or feel his arms around us, he is with us, in a deeper and more real way than he could have been before.  On Earth, we are all held back from loving fully by the fears and concerns of this world, as well as by the physical constraints of our human bodies. 

In John 16:7, Jesus says 

But very truly I tell you, it is for your good that I am going away. 

Jesus could not be in the hearts of his disciples through the Holy Spirit while he was still on the Earth.  To be clear, I cannot compare Brett to Jesus.  But, I can say that since Brett left his body, he has been with me in a way that I never thought possible.  We are both now working on our spiritual master’s degrees, learning to love each other, parent together, and serve others together through the veil.  Today, my heart is fuller than it has ever been.  I have felt Brett’s presence strongly after his passing and know that I carry him with me everywhere I go.  I am confident that he is within the hearts of each person here today as well.  He held so many of you very close to his heart, especially you, Brooks and Brandon, and is now freer than ever before to show you the depth of what he feels for you.  

Moving Forward

How do we go forward from here?  Weeks before his passing, Brett asked that a quote from the Dalai Lama be hung in our home.  I believe these words speak to who we are called to be as we honor Brett’s memory:

“Every day, think as you wake up, today I am fortunate to be alive, I have a precious human life, I am not going to waste it. I am going to use all my energies to develop myself, to expand my heart out to others; to achieve enlightenment for the benefit of all beings. I am going to have kind thoughts towards others, I am not going to get angry or think badly about others. I am going to benefit others as much as I can.”

May we go forth into the world, knowing fully our own value in the eyes of God, and bringing the love and wisdom Brett taught us to others.  I’m confident he will be with us every step of the way.