The Three Terrors of the Spiritual Desert
Since childhood, I’ve feared the proverbial spiritual “desert times” of life. They seemed an inevitable rite of passage that brought suffering and a sense of separation from God. Even real deserts aren’t appealing: they are lonely, hot, devoid of entertainment, and are home to lots of dangerous animals. Anything named after them has to be rough.
Well, after years of dreading the desert times, I finally got to experience one for myself. And, like the fire swamp in The Princess Bride, I know the three terrors of the spiritual desert now and could live quite happily there for some time.
Care for a tour?
Wandering Through the Desert
Biblical Heroes
Let’s begin our tour with a general overview of he terrain. The concept of times of intense spiritual preparation (desert times) is biblical. Biblical heroes spent a ton of time in the “desert”, in stillness and in training for their lives of service to come. Those “desert” times weren’t necessarily painful (though some seemed to be). However, they did include a time of separation from “the world” and of increased inward focus. They were a time of inner listening to God’s leading and deep inward transformation.
Moses spent years as a shepherd following his initial flight from Egypt. David spent a large chunk of his life running from Saul. Joseph spent an extensive amount of time in jail. Paul, after his conversion, spent a while in solitude before going into ministry. And the apostles huddled up in the “upper rooms” for weeks prior to Pentecost and the start of their ministry. Often those times in the desert follow highs: Jesus’ baptism, Paul’s conversion, David’s slaying of Goliath, the apostles’ witnessing to Jesus’ resurrection. Perhaps these times of “success” gave them a taste of what could be, before the Spirit sends them away to “get it right” before God really put them to work.
These times in the desert brought challenges for many, primarily because of a shift from faith and trust to fear: “Saul is going to eat me for breakfast!”. Despite and perhaps because of these challenges and a movement back into faith, each of them came out of these times of solitude stronger, wiser, and more equipped for service.
The Rest of “the Saints”
These stories resonate because they speak not just to the heroes of faith but to all the “saints,” all who surrender their lives to be used by God. Though I will reference my personal story here, I challenge you to look within your own life. Look for when God has led you through your own desert of transformation. And if this hasn’t happened yet in your life’s story, instead of dreading it, invite God to take you there. God will use anyone who is willing. I promise, it’s worth it. Opening our hearts to God is what we were born to do–it is the decision that gives our life meaning, purpose, and deep joy.
Me (Here Come the Terrors!)
I can only write about my own experience. Though the details are my own, I believe the “terrors” I experienced in my desert time are common to all of us. We see them in David’s psalms, in the apostles’ nervousness, and in Paul’s recounting of his transformation: endless questions about what the future brings, our doubts in God’s sufficiency in our weakness, and our doubts in ourselves.
The Common Denominator
The common denominator to all three “terrors” is a movement away from open-hearted trust in God. Trust in God allows us to experience peace and joy, regardless of our human circumstances. But it is our human nature to be afraid and, in the name of “self-protection,” close off our heart. That heart-closing not only makes God “feel” distant. It also cuts us off from the river of God’s love. Dark night of the soul, here we come!
Thus, anytime we begin to feel that God is distant or that we are in a time of struggle and suffering, it’s a good call to do a heart check–are we keeping our heart unconditionally open to God? Regardless of the cause, opening our heart will simultaneously open the path back to communion with God.
Honestly, I can end the blog post right here. But I know you are curious about the three terrors (and are raring for some terrible jokes), so let’s get to them!
It Begins
My story has its start in the late winter of 2022. I decided to open my heart to God (per the above section, not a terrible choice), to allow the rest of my life to be used for whatever the Spirit had in mind. This was not a half-hearted thing; it was a full on commitment that I meant from the depths of my being. Clearly the Holy Spirit was involved, because, logically, giving anyone full control of your life seems like a terrible idea from an egoic perspective.
I guess God knew that decision was coming (that whole omniscience thing), because within a couple weeks, stuff started happening. Over the next six months, three different mature Christians (60+ years old) and a dog came into my life, each with a level of faith unparalleled by anyone I had met prior (with the exception of the dog). Each of them had surrendered their own life’s path to God years before. With their guidance, and through the guidance of the Spirit through stillness and prayer, I began maturing in my faith.
A few months in, I was on a “high” of sorts and ready and willing to use the wisdom I had been so recently blessed with for God’s purposes. Though I knew I was far from “finished,” I figured growth and service would happen concurrently. I was ready to get to it! But, as the saying goes, “If you want to hear God laugh, tell Him your plans”.
Not My Plan
In September 2022, I was given a hefty amount of guidance by the Spirit. Apparently, my initial plan of what the next ten years or so of life would look like when I surrendered my life to God did not match the divine plan. Through one crazy vivid dream (I had always wondered what kind of dream would cause Joseph to up and move with Mary and Jesus to Egypt–I have an idea now) and many intuitive leadings in prayer, the Spirit gave me a general roadmap.
The map reminded me of the ones from the kid’s show Dora the Explorer. There were some obvious destinations along the way with a great deal of empty space and lots of dots… I don’t like dots. And I let God know about it.
Faith vs. Fear Point 1: The Endless Questions
If Saturday Night Live were to poke fun at parts of the guidance I received, it would read something along the lines of: “Next winter a woman will move in next door with a Maine Coon cat named Marley and you will join a quilting club with her.” I like cats, but QUILTING? Well, I guess I could get into it, if that’s what God wants…
The guidance I received significantly changed what I thought my life’s trajectory should be (I wanted no parts of quilting). The divine plan blew my human one out of the water, but I still struggled to have trust. Also, I knew that I was in no way shape or form ready for what was apparently coming–I had a lot of “growing up” to do before I could handle any one of the “guideposts” on this plan.
I had lots of questions, and I voiced them to God. I put in my request for a detailed itinerary as well as information on the training programs, associated costs, time required, textbook names, etc., wanting a higher level of certainty.
God answered my endless questions with a simple “I’ve got you, isn’t that enough?”.
This is not the first time I’ve wanted to close my heart out of fear of the unknown. Though I’m better with uncertainty than some, I think it is human nature to want a detailed roadmap. Yet our faith asks us for nearly blind trust.
I think of Sarah laughing when she is told she will soon have a son in her old age, of Peter when Jesus invites him to walk on the water, and of Paul when Jesus (in spirit form) asks him to make a complete life course correction. In all cases, doubting and questioning lead to suffering and (in Peter’s case) sinking. On the flipside, faith in the unknown and in the perfect plan of God leads to those rivers of love and peace flowing through you and guiding you in whatever is to come.
Yes, I know it’s hard to trust, but God’s got this!
PS. All that I was promised last September up through the current guidepost of my map has come true, to the detail. God IS faithful.
Into the Desert
Shortly thereafter, the Spirit invited me to dive inwards. At first, I pulled back from writing for this blog and creating meditations to have more time in prayer and quiet. I spent a lot of time in nature, walking the dog, and in stillness. There were long hours, and sometimes full weekends with my mentors. I was “busy” but in a very different way. Thanks to my mentors, family, friends, and the every-present guidance of the Holy Spirit, I was enjoying my “desert time” immensely and was walking pretty smoothly (most days) in my trust in God.
We’ll Never Make It!
Faith vs. Fear Point 2: Doubting God’s Promises in the Wintertimes of Life
By about January (halfway to the first major “guidepost” on the “map” I had been given), I did a quick check on how I perceived the growth process was going. And….I was disappointed. I didn’t feel that much different. I knew clearly where I needed to be by around June, and I was nowhere near that point.
Frustratingly, I prayed, “God, we are halfway to summer and I am SOOO far from where I know I need to be.” I was doubting myself, of course, but I was also doubting God’s plan. Logically, it didn’t line up. “I’m taking the BAR in a month and I still don’t know what a lawyer is!” In response, I heard the Spirit’s voice in my heart respond, “You are much closer than you realize.”
I believe this is a common theme in the walk of faith. Sometimes when we feel like we are the furthest from where we are supposed to be, we are doing our greatest growth. Nature is a great teacher here. In the dead of winter, little growth is visible. Yet, in that time of a lot of “nothing,” the foundation forms for the explosion of life that follows.
Ultimately, any time we feel that we are far from where we believe we are called to be, it is an invitation to cling to God more closely. As we do so, we trust that, though we may not yet see the end result, the Holy Spirit is hard at work growing our roots, making them deeper and stronger.
God knows what He is doing. It WILL work out.
The Miracle: What Happens in the Desert Stays in the Desert
Up until that time, what happened in “the desert” was pretty mundane. My “desert time” was primarily internal quiet. Then, in February (right after I expressed my frustration at and to God), things took a leap into (for me) the unexplainable. What happened during those months was deep and personal. So much so that I only shared the journey with my mentors, my parents, and a close friend or two. If what had happened before February were the equivalent of software upgrades for the journey ahead, by late March I had a new processor installed.
Exactly Where I Needed to Be
By early April, the changes were easing, but the gifts God graced me with were clearly here to stay. The physical world was alive in a new way, the peace and joy I felt was deep, and the Holy Spirit’s leading clearer than ever before. This journey was of God, not of me. It was out of my hands, and it was beautiful.
I had been wrong to doubt God’s timing. As summer drew near, I was exactly where I needed to be. God was faithful. Not only was I ready for what was ahead, but I realized that even the parts of the plan that I initially balked at (the equivalent of the quilting in my SNL analogy) made my heart sing with joy.
Out of the Desert: The Waymaker
Faith vs. Fear Point 3: Failure to Surrender
Recently, as I’ve taken my first cautious steps out of the desert, the Spirit unfolded the next flap of my Dora the Explorer type map. Once again, only a few major guideposts and a lot of dots and empty space. This time, my issue came not with the uncertainty or in my confidence in God (I know better now!), but with my own abilities. Some of those guideposts looked out of my league.
Yes, I know I’m a very different person than I was a year ago, but can I really handle this? I’ve seen the stuff I’ve botched (mostly when I was younger–in my 20’s) and I don’t want to fail again. What if I cause more pain than good? Fear took over. And then a friend reminded me of the truth:
It was God who sent me to the desert, God who transformed me, and God who made the map of my life’s path. It was God who gave me a love for “quilting” out of nowhere. And it is God who will be the wind in my sails from here on out. I cannot do this alone. I have to trust that if He has led me this far, He will “make a way”. (Isaiah 43:19).
All I need to do, all we every need to do when serving God, is get out of the way. It isn’t “me” or “us” doing any of it. Rather, we simply allow God to work through us. That’s been the whole point of this year…knowing how to get “out of the way” and just let God do what God does.
Shoe Tying
At this point, after leaning so hard on the Holy Spirit for the better part of a year, I would struggle to tie my shoes without God telling me to. Yes, that’s clearly an exaggeration, but the broader point is that the only thing “I’ve” done on this journey is allow it. Well, if I’m honest, I’ve also done an excellent job making things much harder and more complicated than they had to be. Everything else is of God.
The good news? God can use anyone in this way. I believe that was the point of Jesus’ selection of his disciples. They were a mess! Yet, they did one thing right: they allowed Jesus to transform them, the Holy Spirit to fill them, and the Waymaker to guide them. All God needs from us is a little willingness. He’s got the rest!
Leroy Jenkins!!!
Years ago, my family shared a number of good laughs over the World of Warcraft legend Leroy Jenkins, who, completing ignoring all the concerns and calculations of his friends, runs headlong into a battle screaming, “Let’s do this! LEEEROOOOY JENNNNKIIIIINNNNSSSS!” I don’t recommend we go pull a Leroy. After all, he did lose the battle for his friends. And yet, his confidence and fearlessness is something to be admired.
Unlike Leroy in World of Warcraft, in a Christ-centered life, we don’t need to have every move calculated in advance. We don’t need to know every step in the battleplan, to have the opponent’s every move anticipated. And we certainly don’t benefit from the world’s predictions of our success (32.33%, repeating of course).
Whether we are in the desert in an intense time of transformation, in active service, or somewhere in-between, we only need to allow the love of God to fill us and the Spirit to lead us. If we lay down our concerns for ourselves and make doing His will our priority, hearing only His Voice, we have nothing to fear.
As Jesus reminds us, when we are up against it, we need not be afraid, “For it is not you who speak, but the Spirit of your Father speaking through you.” (Matthew 10:20)
As we head off into whatever situation God is calling us to next, may we trust in the armor of God and surrender our own fears and worries, knowing the power of the Spirit is alive and strong within us.
Let’s do this! Leeeroooooy Jennnnkiiiinnnssss!