The Stranger
One of my favorite childhood memories is hearing my dad whistling (slightly off-key) the intro to Billy Joel’s “The Stranger”. Something in me understood the lyrics to this song even as a young child. Yet, as an adult, I prefer another term for it: “the shadow”.
We all have parts of ourselves that we bury, deny, or keep hidden, usually out of shame. Sometimes we have buried trauma so deep that we don’t even know why we feel the way that we do…we just have a vague sense of being “not right”. That vague sense sometimes shows itself at unfortunate times and can really mess with our confidence and our relationships.
Yet, as the lyrics suggest, “[the stranger] isn’t always evil, and he isn’t always wrong”. In fact, it is through embracing, not denying these buried parts of ourselves (and in others) that we find healing. Jesus embraced the shadow in his disciples, acknowledging and loving where they were to help them to grow into who they would become (John 21: 15-19 is a beautiful example). If we are willing, he will do the same for us.
A Week with Dad
Photo Credit: Me, Myself, or I (not sure which one)
About a week ago, my boys and I spent a week vacationing with my dad. It was a beautiful trip–we went to Watkins Glen (small water falls), Niagara Falls (BIG water falls), and even ventured all the way to Toronto for a Blue Jays game (no waterfalls and LOTS of traffic).
I hadn’t spent a week straight with either of my parents since college. And there’s nothing like spending an extended amount of time with your folks to reawaken (and heal) old traumas.
It’s not what you’re thinking–my dad and I really enjoyed each other’s company and booked another week to travel together later in the summer.
And yet…
Canadian COVID
My dad got COVID. Like many people who had the honor of being hotels for the little COVID beasts of 2022, it acted like allergies (our apologies to the people who caught dad’s “allergies”). After we arrived home, the boys and I got a case of “allergies” as well (hmm…suspicious).
All’s well that ends well. Everyone is healing up quite nicely and enjoying reading, napping, and watching movies. My dad didn’t feel great for several days, but, again, it was mild enough to pass off as allergies.
Yet, when my mom and I debriefed the trip over the phone, I was like a cornered angry cat, defending myself for things she wasn’t even accusing me of doing. She (wise woman that she is), gently called me on my less than kind attitude. A day later, after much reflection, I realized what was behind “the stranger”.
Three Beliefs
One of my spiritual teachers, Aaron Abke, teaches the 3 beliefs of the ego. It is a quick and easy way to determine the root cause of your emotional pain. The ego (the part of yourself that identifies as separate from God–the part of you that reached for the apple in the garden of Eden) shows itself in 3 main ways:
- Sadness (Grief, sadness, longing, despondency, just feeling a little “down”)
- Anger (ranging from slight irritation to full blown rage)
- Fear (anxiety, terror, panic, etc.)
By figuring out what emotion you are feeling, Aaron teaches that you can determine what’s causing the suffering. For instance, if you are sad, you believe you “lack” something. If you’re angry, you are feeling attached to something (usually as a result of trying to manipulate stuff to cover for the lack). And, finally, if you’re afraid, you are trying to control something–you aren’t trusting God with it and feel it is up to you to “make things right”.
Aaron has a spin on it that can reach someone of any faith (and sometimes include Eastern elements). If you’re comfortable with that aspect, I highly recommend giving the video a watch/listen.
Not an Angry Person
I am not an angry person. One of my students asked me this year if I had ever raised my voice while teaching. (The answer is yes–but it was years ago).
Sad? Yes, I used to experience depression. Anxious and afraid? Completely. But not angry.
Thanks to God’s teaching through my life lessons, I’m rarely sad or anxious any longer. The journey of the past few years has healed me of almost all my sadness and fear. We heal in layers, like peeling an onion. And when we heal the bigger struggles and experience the freedom and connection to God that results, we are able to see the underlying areas that need healing. For me, peeling back the sadness and fear allowed me to see my underlying anger issues.
Backstory
To understand what I speak of next, you’ll need to know a bit about my backstory. This is not meant to be a downer of a post, so I’ll give you the cliffnotes version:
My dad married his high school sweetheart. They had me. Within about 2 months of my birth, my mom died in a car accident. My dad remarried my current mom within 2 years. They shared this all with me at some point in elementary school. All 3 adults were/are amazing parents and model humans.
Perhaps you see part of yourself in my story. We all have something in our early formative years, often before we formed memories, that makes us who we are, for better or for worse. And it’s not hard to see based on my story how I might have struggled with a sense of lack (sadness) and need for control (fear/anxiety).
Yet, as I have explained in other posts, losing my own spouse healed me from so many of these struggles. In short, I realized that I could NEVER truly lose someone I loved (goodbye sadness), and that God ALWAYS works all things for our good (adios fear).
So, when I realized that my “stranger” behavior (lashing out at my mom) was a result of blaming myself for my dad getting sick (anger at myself, thus I was attached to something), I decided to go deep and do some shadow work.
Shadow Work 1, 2, 3
I joke that this blog is my online journal. And this post is more that way than most. Yet, if you’re finding yourself curious about your own emotional reactions and what they may point to, I challenge you to try Aaron’s method of sorting through these emotions along with me.
Step 1: List out everything that’s bugged you recently
First, take about ten minutes and list out everything that’s brought up sadness, anger, or fear in you in the last couple of days. This is for your eyes only (unless you, like me, revel in public humiliation. If so, become a high school teacher). So be as honest as you can be. Heck, burn it in the firepit when you’re done. Being a pyro is a great stress-reliever!
Step 2: Next to each “trigger”, categorize your first response to the event as sadness, anger, or fear
Here’s (a part of) my list:
- When my boys don’t eat the food I provide, even if the option wasn’t healthy (anger)
- When someone ends a conversation (even when I also want it to be over) (anger)
- When dad suggested stopping at the grocery store instead of the farmer’s market (anger)
- When my boys talk over me (anger)
- threat of illness or cancelled plans (fear)
Everything I labeled with “anger” in actuality only brought up irritation for me. Still, this sure is an interesting list coming from someone who “never” gets angry. Knowing that anger speaks to attachment to something, I looked within. The common denominator was an attachment to perfection–in both myself and others. Perfection is a hard standard to meet, so I found myself frequently irritated at a low level much of the time.
Kid failing my algebra class? My sons slightly mis-behaving? Ordered the wrong carry-out meal? Feel the irritation build!!!
What a way to live…
Yet, why? Why was I such a perfectionist?
Step 3: Dive deep into the emotion and LET IT OUT!!!
To find out, I needed to let the child within me have a voice. If you’re going through the process with me, find the emotion that’s coming up the most for you on your list. Go somewhere safe (preferrably a room alone in an empty house). Then, let that emotion just take over! If it’s sadness, weep bitterly; if it’s anger, beat some pillows; if it’s fear, shake and tremble. Let the emotion out of your system!
Let the emotion run its course until you feel calm within you (warning, this can take awhile). Once you feel the calm, allow the love of God to enter, perhaps by imagining Jesus sitting next to you, embracing you.
Here’s some motivation for you to get the feeling rolling…I recommend using slightly less expensive objects!
Simba Syndrome
Sometimes what comes up in your shadow work might surprise you.
For me, I started by trying to feel rage. This was weird for me, but kinda fun at first since I don’t allow myself to express anger and it felt good to get it out.
Then things got serious. Out of the blue (as if my younger self took over my body), I started hitting the floor and sobbing “I can’t bring her back! I can’t bring her back!”
What the (*$^? Where did that come from?
Apparently, buried deep underneath my irritation was the belief that it was my fault (Simba syndrome–Lion King reference) that my mom died and that my dad had to suffer. As I continued to sit with my emotions, I realized my attachment to being perfect stemmed from my attempts to “save” everyone I loved from pain. I needed to “be enough” to fulfill the hole in my dad’s heart. And when I failed in any way (or at least, if I perceived that I failed), I blamed myself. Even worse, I projected my need to be perfect onto others, often expecting those I loved to meet my impossible standards.
Freedom
Public Domain
On the other side of feeling the anger and meeting that anger with love and acceptance came deep release. The past few days, I have a peace that is deeper than any I have experienced in the past (and I thought I had felt peace before!). I had let the little child within me rage and released the pain. And then, with the wisdom of the faith that I now have, I was able to hold my broken self.
Suddenly, it’s okay for me to be imperfect. It’s okay for my kids to be imperfect. Heck, it’s even okay for you to be imperfect. I can finally let it all go.
For me, freedom came from realizing that my dad always has been and will be held by God, and that I am already enough to make him happy. Neither God nor my father ever demanded perfection of me. They only asked for my love. And that, friends, is a lot easier to give when you’re free of your pain.
Regardless of your place on your spiritual journey, unpacking the mistaken beliefs that your emotions are feeding on will unlock great spiritual wisdom and deeper peace. Though scary at first, meeting the dark places within you is often the quickest route to the light.