The Taylor Swift Effect
I’m a bit like Taylor Swift…if I know you, chances are, I’m going write about you at some point. I try to be discreet. I said next to nothing in my blog about my late husband until after his passing. And unless I ask your permission first, there’s not going to be anything said directly about anything but the most mundane of our interactions. For instance, a few weeks ago, a cool person and I were on a walk and rescued a baby bird only to have it then stalked by a fox (was the person male or female? my son, parent, friend, mentor, or hot date who looked even hotter when rescuing said baby bird?…the secret shall go with me to the grave!).
Confidentiality is a pretty good policy to have. I teach restorative justice at the high school where I serve (I prefer the word “serve” to “work”). One of our guidelines for deep conversations is that the stories stay, but the lessons leave. With the exception of the most mundane of stories, unless I’ve asked permission to share, the stories stay behind, and I only share the lessons here. No gossip, all love.
I’m Single (and probably don’t want your number)…the Rest is a Mystery
With that said, as I write about my forays as a widow, the same applies. For the protection of all involved (including myself), I will stick to the lessons I’ve learned about the challenges to faith that come with being a single Christian and skip most of the stories.
Single is Best: 1 Corinthians 7
First, being single and staying single has its benefits, but was tough to swallow at first. For me, being married was wonderful. My late husband was imperfect (well, he was human, what do you expect?) and we loved each other deeply. Losing him meant facing my greatest fear–losing my spouse, my companion, my friend. Brett died in late August of 2021.
Despite all of the above, 2022 was the best year of my life.
WHAT!!!??? Yes, I grieved. Yet Brett is still with me, hanging around, keeping me company in the spirit. So, I do not “feel” alone. Most importantly, the initial emptiness I felt after his passing catapulted me into an epic spiritual awakening, which permanently shifted my state of being from “happy most days” to a Philippians 4:11-13 state of mind, with a huge dose of joy to boot. Still having my husband’s company and being really in tune with the Holy Spirit is a pretty good combination.
While we are talking about being single, it’s also fair to mention that there are some smaller but still worth-mentioning perks:
- There is no one I need to mesh schedules with/need to report back to. I stay out whenever I want as long as I want (with the kids in tow, in my case).
- I can sing and dance very loudly whenever I want without need for embarrassment. I don’t know how a person dances loudly….but I’m sure I’ve found a way.
- My dog listens to me talk about my day without giving me advice and shares nothing about her own problems.
- No one cares what I look like or smell like.
Granted, there are just as many, if not more things I miss about being married, but I like to focus on the bright side. 🙂
The most important benefit to being single
I left out the most important benefit of life solo: the additional time and energy to serve God. Paul speaks of this in 1 Corinthians 7.
I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord’s affairs—how he can please the Lord. But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world—how he can please his wife— and his interests are divided. An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord’s affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world—how she can please her husband. I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord.
1 Corinthians 7:32-35
No other priorities but God–the best reason to stay single.
This truly is my favorite part of the single life. I am able to serve anyone/be there for anyone at the drop of a hat. My mind and heart are clearer to be present to the Spirit’s leading. I see the value in it.
“It is Not Good for Man to Be Alone”
To take the other side of the argument, in Genesis, when God creates Eve, he does so to give Adam a companion. So, in that sense, married life is a beautiful God-endorsed form of lifelong companionship. In addition, despite the “distractions” of a marriage, if two souls work together in harmony, they can bolster each other’s service, supporting each other and cheering each other on.
For many single folks, though, the draw isn’t so much the companionship as the romance piece. Wanting to be near the love that you are (genuine intimate companionship with another) is natural and a God-given need. However, this doesn’t always need to take the form of a romantic relationship.
At the moment, I have several relationships which, in sum, provide more emotional intimacy, support, companionship, etc. than my late husband alone could ever provide (and we had a great marriage). I also have one girlfriend who gives killer hugs when I need that oxytocin boost. My dog is also willing to provide said hugs.
The joy and companionship shared in an intimate relationship is a holy and natural desire. Wanting to be physically close to another (I’m talking hugs here, folks) is also natural and holy. We do not “need” more than that.
The trouble comes when we look to another for our value, our worth. Along with that comes the desire to use another’s physical form for our own benefit/pleasure. Physical intimacy should only be used as a way of showing genuine care for another. Wanting to be viewed as “special” or using another’s physical form for our own benefit/pleasure (versus showering our loved one with our affection)…we are called to grow beyond that, even within the parameters of a romantic relationship. Even within a dating relationship, this release of a need to be “special” in the eyes of another helps us to love more deeply and to truly care for our partner as they deserve.
Happiness is an Inside Job
No romantic relationship will EVER complete you. As Paul explained, we are here to serve God and share the abundance of love that is within us with the world, not get stuck in “pleasing” a significant other, If we are working our butts off so that our romantic partner can feed our egos and tell us that we complete them/are the “one” for them, our minds and hearts are not on God.
It is our connection to God and our service to others that fulfills us. If we open our hearts to God and share from the abundance that we are, we will NEVER be lacking.
If you’re not feeling “okay,” look within, not without for what isn’t working. What do you feel like you are lacking? What within yourself are you being called to embrace and accept? Instead of seeking that affirmation of your worth “out there”, allow the love of God that is your divine nature to fill you. This is your true self. When we become aware of the Holy Spirit within us and realize that this same Spirit is within all that we see–that we are connected with everything–we “wake up” to who we are. And, well, that’s the “living water” and “bread from heaven” that Jesus promised, the “kingdom within”.
Those romantic escapades, especially the failed ones, have their benefit. Sometimes, it is pining after some elusive relationship that helps us to realize that only God’s love can fulfill us. Ultimately, it isn’t anyone’s fault that you are feeling lonely or empty. You are lonely because you believe that you are lacking the love that YOU ARE.
We are Only Lacking What We Aren’t Giving
If you’re in that spot of feeling that ache/emptiness, consider putting energy into giving what you feel like you’re missing to someone else. “We are only lacking what we aren’t giving” is a bit of wisdom from Aaron Abke, one of my spiritual teachers. If you’re feeling lonely, be a friend. If you’re feeling sad, give joy to someone else. When we give from what we think is our emptiness, we realize that what we thought we were lacking was within us all along. We go back to that well that never runs dry. We have an endless supply of love, peace, and joy. The key to tapping into that fullness is being willing to give it away.
Acknowledge the Hurting Child/Keep Your Heart Open
Sometimes, even knowing all of the above, I still feel lonely at times. Maybe I’m just overtired or had a rough day. I think one of the most important lessons I have learned regarding that is to embrace that discomfort.
If you’re feeling lonely, acknowledge it! The worst thing we can do is close our hearts out of fear of being “hurt”. First, we bring our hurting heart to God and allow Him to heal it. And then, in God’s perfect timing, we welcome loving relationships with others.
A short caveat: Keeping your heart open can still allow for sensible self-protective guardrails for relationships. Maybe don’t invite your date back to your place on the first date, like I did my husband (true story–NOTHING scandalous happened). Perhaps move slowly if you’re not sure if it’s the right person for you. But DON’T close your heart.
It is ALWAYS safe to open your heart to anyone to give and receive love. It’s what we were born to do!
Relationships are Where We Do Our Work
A final counterargument to Paul’s “it is better to be single” is the value of intimate relationships in our spiritual growth. One of my mentors shared that, for all people, God uses our relationships to grow us, especially romantic ones.
My mentor is spot on. From April 2022 to April 2023, I thought I had my stuff together! And then, I tried dating. Oh my, let the inner turmoil begin!
For the year prior, I “knew” I was love. I was content. Then, this spring, I started dating and all the lies about all the things I thought I “needed” and was “lacking” came to the surface to be seen and healed.
Holy cow that was a show! If you are reading this and had to deal with me from mid April through the end of August, I am deeply sorry. So, take that Paul. Maybe it is better to be single to serve, but perhaps those relationships can shape us for service.
God’s Will Not Mine: More Than the Sparrows
How do I know it is not in my best interest for me to be married right now? Because I’m not.
God is looking after us. We are loved more than we can imagine. And, as long as I am single, I know one of two things (or both) is true:
- I still have some growing to do to be ready for the person God has planned for me.
- I can do more for God single/it is in my best interest to be single.
For me, that is enough. I don’t know what the future holds for me. I do know God holds my future, and that future is good.