Almost two years ago, I wrote about my journey as a single woman after widowhood. I also joked about the Taylor Swift effect–that if you are in a close relationship with me (and you grant permission or are young enough not to care) you are going to be the focus of one blog post or another. Well, my husband and I have reached the 6 month mark of marriage, and he has given me permission, so, yup, here we go…our journey of becoming a blended family.
God’s Plan, Not Mine
I didn’t plan on dating again until my youngest started high school (fall of 2028). God had other plans. First, there were vivid dreams with clear markers of who I would meet and when. Then, confirmation followed from two spiritual teachers of mine who had independent leadings regarding this. The day after I was “told” to date, my husband and I “met”…virtually at first, then in-person in the late summer of 2023.
Despite our clear connection, both spiritually and emotionally, at first I wanted to run the other way…he had two children of his own and there was NO WAY I was up for a blended family. The Brady Brunch is a fun show to watch, but to LIVE IT?
Head Over Heels
Yet his Puerto Rican charm, gentle humor, deep faith, and warm heart had me head over heels. So much so that when I arrived home from our first friend meet up (It was NOT a date. I was determined that this was NOT happening), my oldest took one look at me and knew I was toast.
It took no time at all to know we were headed for marriage, especially with the divine confirmation. If God tells you that this is the person you are to be with, who are you to argue? And so, it was time to begin making the Brady Bunch.
3+1=6
The process of going from 3 to 6 in our family was not easy. There were some difficult words said by all the children at one point or another. Out of respect for those involved, I will refrain from sharing specifics, but statements with the words “hate” and “never” were in the mix. Most of the hard feelings were shared directly with me or my fiancée/now husband and not between the children, but on occasion one or another child blew their top and their was emotional carnage.
I was terrified. If I hadn’t been TOLD this was God’s plan, I’m not sure I could have gone through with it. As it was, I gave God a piece of my mind. “If this is your plan, it sure as hell (sorry, I get the irony) isn’t going very well!”
The message in return was clear and simple, spoken in the depths of my heart:
"You'll not walk this way again"
Yes, it’s hard, yes there is pain, but it is His plan and it WILL work out. I was to unclench my fists and enjoy the ride. We would be a family for decades. We would only become a family once.
Beautiful First Steps
And so, with joyful tears in my eyes, I enjoyed the firsts:
- My (still boyfriend at the time) went to my eldest’s orchestra concert and I caught my son looking over our way repeatedly as if in surprise–“He cares enough about me to be here?”
- His oldest and mine worked together on her science project and then shot the breeze about middle school for fifteen minutes afterwards
- As I tucked her in, his daughter said “Love you too!”
- A year in, his kids said they preferred to be with me (step mom) and my boys (step-brothers) than at summer camp
- Just a couple months ago, my husband made it onto the description of “family” in my youngest’s “About Me” school poster
- We exchanged grandparents and great-grandparents–all of the kids took on an extra set of each joyfully
- My boys refused to go somewhere “unless our stepbrother comes too” and began to prefer the weekends when we are all together.
- Our two youngest played baseball on the same team and wore the same number.
- I watched my eldest’s childhood anger ease and his hard edges soften as my husband’s gentle hand and warmth filled their lives.
Holding Space for the Hard Stuff
Though the first few months were hard, the smiles quickly became more numerous than the hard moments. I saw that God’s plan, as always, was so far beyond anything I could have expected. In the interim, some Spirit-led parenting was required.
As the children spat words of vitriol and anger and grief poured from their hearts, we held space for them.
“I can understand why you might feel that way.”
“I know I cannot fully understand where you are coming from, or what it feels like to be in your shoes, but I’m not going anywhere and I will do everything I can TO understand.”
“I see that this is hard and I’m always here to listen, though I ask that you keep your words respectful.”
However, I also reminded them to keep the door open to something “better”:
“You may never feel differently, but remember how you changed your mind about [insert story from the past]? That might happen with this too.”
Patience is Key
We are currently getting our basement renovated, something that is desirable with one teenager and two pre-teens in the house. It’s a place for them to hang out with their friends, for us as a family to have company over, a second full bathroom to accommodate the extra biological needs, and an actual bedroom (with a closet!) for my stepdaughter.
In the meantime, we are 6 people (with 3 different cultural backgrounds), 2 cats, and 1 dog sharing one floor, 3 tiny bedrooms, and 1 bathroom…probably the most dramatic version of what it means to be a blended family.
And we are making it work…beautifully.
That’s a testament to what God can do, when we surrender to His plan.
Just remember, when things get tough (and inevitably, they will this side of heaven): “You’ll not pass this way again.” So, enjoy the ride!